2000-11-13 - 23:20:34

Well, there's a baby in my tummy. I didn't eat one, I'm just pregnant. So Husband and I are going to breed. Surreal, I know. In fact, that's what I said to myself as I looked at my freshly peed upon Walgreens brand baby stick. Except I think I said "Sur-fucking-real". Guess I'll have to watch my phraseology from now on, right? Aw hell, I have until July 1st, I might as well get it out of my fucking system. So I have also cut out alcohol and two of my very best friends, nicotine and caffeine. The alcohol's the eaiest part. I can just go to bars and order girlie drinks with no alcohol. I am such a lush in real life I can scarcely taste the difference anyway, so I can still pseudo-party. I think I'd look a little funny with bubble gum cigarettes, though. Hey, especially when I get all Rubenesque (I won't use the word fat right now, I'll explain later)and I can go to bars and "smoke" the bubble gum cigarettes and watch people give me dirty looks. Of course I'll have big puffy fingers and my phat (doesn't count) wedding ring will have to come off, so I'll look like an unwed smoker, sucking down a margarita on a Sunday afternoon. Messing with people's heads is going to be fun.

OK, so I told most of the famn damily. My dad didn't get it at first, he thought I was calling to tell him that Husband and I had decided to start trying. It was an awkward conversation that only got weirder when I had to finally say, "No, like, I'm pregnant" because no matter how old and married you are, it's a weird phrase to say to your dad. But after he caught on, he was cool and all excited. My mom's side of the family all said, "Oh congratulations". . .pregnant(ha ha) pause. . ."You know, you have options" Uh, yeah. Like I'd be calling everyone I know to tell them I am pregnant and that I plan to "exercise my options". But I am VERY grateful that I happened to get knocked up while we still have a president in the White House who respects my right to choose whether or not I will become a parent, even though I am making the Republican choice for myself.

I know you're thinking "But Lola, you don't want to have children" Right. And being pregnant didn't magically change that. I was scared at first, I thought I'd somehow Martha Stewartize or something. But now I'm glad I haven't, because I have a better shot at not mutating into a Mom Zombie. You know, those women who define themselves ONLY as mothers and talk about nothing but bowel movements and TeleTubbies? The ones who give up their own hopes and dreams as soon as a baby comes, only to pull them off the shelf 20 years later and find them covered with bitterness and resentment? Yeah, so I wasn't looking forward to that, but I had a Movie Star assisted epiphany, and now I am totally embracing the mom thing. I am planning to be a totally sassy mom, and if I want to be a famous fashion photographer or make documentaries about pygmies, I am going to just do it, and throw Husband and Kid on my back and go fulfill my goals. It is the ONLY way any of us are going to survive this thing. I am NOT a bunnies and duckies and Barney kind of person and I'll only end up hating myself and resenting my family if I try to force it. I will be the best mom I can be, but I will still be more than a uterus, more than a chef, more than a maid, and more than a Mom Zombie.

OK, I am going through the uber-tired thing right now, one of my books (yes, I'm that girl who went out and bought every single baby book I could find) said that my body at rest is working harder than a mountain climber's at work, so I guess I have the right to be. So I am going to go have my devilled eggs and rye toast now. I'll write back later about why I don't like my new doctor (hard to believe, I know. Lola wants to fire her doctor, it's just not like her) and why I think it should be illegal to say the word fat to a pregnant woman.

Lola